In sickness and in health

Today I saw an elderly, grey-haired couple taking a walk. They moved slowly, and she was holding onto his arm as they strolled. It made me miss my grandparents. It also made me realize that I will be growing old without the man I chose to be by my side. When I vowed to love him "til death do us part", I'd never imagined that would mean we would only have 12 years of being husband and wife. When Al got really sick last Spring, and I was helping him get dressed and bathe, and do the things he could no longer do for himself, he would apologize to me. He'd tell me he was sorry that I had to do all of these things for him. I would tell him that someday when we got really old, he'd have to carry me up to bed every night. I knew in my heart at that point that we wouldn't be growing old together - I just wanted him to have some hope. And I didn't want him to be sorry for me doing all of these things for him. I didn't mind at all. Seeing him so fragile was so difficult and painful for me. When we first met and fell in love 16 years ago, he was big and strong. He had big hands and big forearms, and when he put his arms around me, I felt safe. The night I first said "I love you" to him (weeks after he'd said it to me), I cried. I remember him hugging me tightly. I told him that I wanted him to take care of me. And he said he would - forever.

I feel gypped. I didn't get my forever. I didn't get to throw him a big retirement party. He didn't get to buy the boat he always wanted so he could spend his days fishing with the kids. We never got to take that second honeymoon to Aruba we both wanted. We won't get to share in the joy of watching our boys graduate and get married someday. I started mourning these losses once we found out how little time Al had left, and I've accepted the reality of my future without him. But sometimes I will just see or hear something that reminds me of it, and it's overwhelmingly sad for me. I remember when my grandfather died - how devasted my grandmother was. They were married 60 years. I can't imagine how hard it is to lose someone you have been with that long. I guess I will never know.

“Across the years I will walk with you - in deep green forests, on shores of sand and when our time on earth is through, in heaven too, you will have my hand” -
Robert Sexton