Ditto

Tonight when I was getting Matthew and Brandon into their pajamas, we were chatting, as we usually do. Matthew said to me "when I go to sleep I see Daddy. He talks to me". Now, this is not the first time Matthew has expressed to me that he's spoken to Al. He's been saying it since shortly after Al passed away. It's hard to know what's real and what's make believe with three year olds, and Matthew definitely has a creative imagination for telling stories. He will ramble on and on and make it up as he goes. And he's pretty convincing. This story though, my heart wants to believe. I know the chances of one of my children to have the amazing gift of being able to communicate with those who have passed is very small (and for the record, I do believe that there are people who can). It gives me comfort though, when Matthew says these things. Every night, I go to bed and hope that I dream about Al. I think it's only happened 3 or 4 times since June, but I always wake up feeling like I spent time with him. And that's just a good feeling. He's never spoken in my dreams though. Sometimes when it's quiet and I'm trying to sleep, I try to hear his voice in my head, and I can't. That is so upsetting, because I fear I will someday forget the sound of his voice. Every time I walk down to the basement and look at the loveseat where he spent so many nights sleeping after his surgeries, I wish I could just see him sitting there. Even though I know it would scare the crap out of me, I just want to see him. I hope someday I will. If you've seen the movie "Ghost", you'll know what I mean.

When I tuck Matthew into bed every night, I whisper in his ear "if you talk to Daddy tonight, tell him I love him". And he looks at me with that same sweet face Al had, and he says "I will".