Healing.

Al started chemotherapy this week. I wasn't able to go with him for a few reasons, one of which was Ryan having a half day and parent/teacher conferences. Ideally I would be with him for every session, but it's just not possible. I felt (and still feel) guilty about not being there with him this week, but he wants me to take care of the kids so we don't have to leave them with anyone. He said it went fine, he wasn't uncomfortable or sick during. They did have problems finding a good vein so they may put a port in next week so they don't have to keep sticking him every time. He felt fine yesterday, but then today it hit him. He had a sudden bout of nausea, but took the meds they gave him so it subsided pretty quickly. He feels achy and really tired. I'm sure this is to be expected, especially until his body gets used to the medication. I am having a hard time accepting that this is going on. I was okay with the surgery and relieved when it was over, but it just didn't end there. We have six months of chemo ahead of us, and I don't know how I'm going to handle him being sick all the time - at least I hope it's not all the time. I try to ignore it, and I guess that's the wrong way to deal with it, because he gets upset when I want him to do something and he can't because he doesn't feel well. Today I tried to explain to him that I try to pretend he's not feeling sick, because it's just a reminder to me that he has cancer and I don't want to think about that. It's hard for me to explain my point of view to him, just as I can't fully understand how he is feeling. I try not to complain about how hard this all is on me, because that would be really selfish of me. Just as he is going through this, I am going through it too.

It's hard. I just want our old life back. I don't want him to be sick, and I want us to do all the things we used to do. I guess we will have to take it one week at a time, and hope he tolerates it better as it goes on.